Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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