Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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