so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
