your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
