Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
