Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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