I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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