I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
