So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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