I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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