I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
