i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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