He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
