If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
