My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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