I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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