I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
