I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
