Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
two words...techno handjob
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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