grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
