I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
