I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm at about main and main street
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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