I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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