Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
