im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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