I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
