Redeem this text for a blowjob
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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