i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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