I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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