You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
