I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
