How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i wish my penis had a tongue
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
