goodnight i made you a song goodbye
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
