Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
