I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
