He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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