I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
