I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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