just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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