After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
They are going to name an STD after you.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
