why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
