Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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