I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
