just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
