I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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