I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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