I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
