I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
