if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
