Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
